On Therapy
When you learn something new about yourself and wonder what else you’ve been hiding…
-Yrsa Daley-Ward
A few years ago, I met a stranger in the Dubai airport. We had chatted briefly in our airport of origin, and with overnight connection delays being what they are, we decided to get a meal and somehow ended up having a conversation about therapy. He expressed complete incredulity that I would consider it; when I answered affirmatively that I attend therapy regularly, his response was, “Wow, you don’t seem crazy!”
These days, therapy seems to be having a moment amongst my generation: millennials. I am proud that we seem to be recognizing that preventive care is care. It doesn’t take severe illness to go to the doctor; therapy simply extends that belief to our mental health. I believe that my process of self-discovery will be lifelong, and so I am going to need to develop different toolkits than the ones that have sustained me this far in life. The ones I’m currently equipped with have served me well, but new seasons of life demand new things. I see therapy as taking a master class in myself, and I must say, I find that I am constantly surprising myself.
Now, I tell people without shame that I go to therapy. I still think it is one of the best decisions I ever made. Investing in my mental health means I can take the time to understand more about why I am the way that I am, and also have a safe place to explore healthy changes that I want to make. Sometimes therapy is the only space in my life where I can speak a truth out loud without fear of judgment. Once a truth has been vocalized, one can never quite un-know it (shoutout to James Baldwin who said it way better, lol). Inner healing work is cartography, and it’s up to me to make the map.
Here are a few things that I have learned from going to therapy so far:
I can make art just for me. I don’t have to share it for it to be worthy.
I have always been bad at sticking to timelines for artistic production. Reading The Artist’s Way helped me understand why. To quote the brilliant poet Yanyi, “Art is a garden, not an operation.” Our capitalist culture has made it very easy to view art as something to be done to/in the world, an act of creation that places our stamp on humanity. And art can be that thing. But it can also be the quiet powerful stream that courses through us; the artist’s way can be much more conduit than actor. I enjoy my artistic practice most when I let art move through me, and I remind myself often that the way I structure time is in and of itself an art. I choose to have a slow start to my mornings, savoring a cup of tea before responding to emails. Art. I choose to take breaks that get me up and moving, and on my neighborhood strolls, mindfully find 3 new things in my neighborhood on every walk (and I always do). Art. For me, art is the lived-out practice that makes me feel grounded and well, and what I can share of that journey, I do. Taking the pressure off of myself to create on a set schedule (or even worse for my stress levels, for money) has helped me enjoy my art even more, and that matters a lot to me.
I can celebrate incremental progress.
This was a gamechanger for me. I am someone who is very much used to celebrating my successes after they are fully completed, if ever! I learned that I do not have to wait for others to validate my strengths; I can celebrate myself. I have learned how to reward my forward motion with rewards that are in line with what I truly find motivating. I’ve realized that I like celebrating small wins and giving myself joyful breaks in between hustling towards my goals. I also like to ensure that self-care is something I know I deserve regardless of the status of my accomplishments (aka why I tend not to use food as a reward for myself). The guilt and shame tactics I used to rely on so heavily to motivate me towards my goals aren’t even necessary anymore. I have new options.
I can take people off of pedestals I may have placed them on. People are just people.
You know that classic breakup phrase, “it’s not you, it’s me?” Well, for a long time, I had a hard time believing that. I would personalize and internalize others’ actions as reflective of something wrong with ME. All I can say now is that letting go of that belief has been so healing for me. Accepting myself for who I am, flaws and all, has made it that much easier for me to accept others for who they are, flaws and all. On an episode of the podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, Casper ter Kuile shares an monastic practice he has adapted to ground himself in not judging others: adding “just like me” to the criticism he wants to attach to others. “Oh, she’s selfish, just like me.” “He’s so disorganized, just like me.” I love reframing like this because it helps me remember that I am often not at my best self, and so too others may not be. I am allowed to take people off of pedestals that may come attached to their role in my life (i.e. parent, sibling, friend, boss, etc.) and see them for who they are, a flawed human being, just like me.
I can create lag time between what I feel and what I express.
As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I have realized that my personal processing speeds are legendarily slow. I need days, weeks, sometimes months to fully process certain experiences, conversations, or life events. In accepting myself for who and how I am, I came to understand that it is okay for me to not have an immediate opinion on everything happening around me. I also accept that it is okay for me to revisit certain moments with people when I feel ready to move through them. I’ve always felt that the idea “if you had something to say, you should have spoken up immediately” biases towards extroverts and quick external processors. I am an internal processor, and sometimes I cannot speak up immediately because I do not yet know how I feel. Learning how to intentionally create lag time between processing my feelings (at my own pace) and expressing what I need to express has lightened a burden on me placed by this extrovert-loving world. Poetry is a slow process, and some ideas take years to percolate. Right now, a slew of nascent poems are crystallizing in my soul and, when they’re ready, they may arrive on the page. Until then, I won’t rush them into being any sooner. I can choose to give myself time.
I don’t need to feel bad for not always being able to help people. I have limits, and that’s okay.
To be honest, thinking otherwise is usually about ego on my part. There is almost nothing in this world that lives and dies by my sole involvement, and that is a blessing! I love being helpful to others when I can, but I am not at the center of the universe, and my participation is not a prerequisite for someone else’s healing. Knowing where my limits are has helped me so much in saying a joyful YES to things I do have the bandwidth to take on and a firm NO elsewhere. I do not have to define my importance in life by how busy I am or how full my calendar is. I have other options. I choose to refill my own cup first before giving to others from my overflow. This recovering people-pleaser has learned to set some loving lines in the sand, and it feels really, really good. Solid boundaries? YES!
Resources I’ve Found Helpful:
www.therapyforblackgirls.com —Great site for finding a therapist of color (although I found mine searching my insurance company’s directory). Dr. Joy Harden Bradford has a weekly podcast that covers a range of interesting topics, such as body image, maintaining boundaries, processing pandemic grief, and much, much more.
Nedra Tawwab’s IG page — @nedratawwab. She often posts short snippets of advice on her IG page (I’ve saved so many!), and she also just released a new book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. I’m halfway through but already recommend!
Dr. Thema’s Twitter page + The Homecoming Podcast — @drthema. Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis also has a weekly podcast where she offers tips on a wide range of mental health topics, such as managing stress, recognizing your power, healing unworthiness, and building healthy friendships. And her Twitter is chock full of bite-sized gems!
The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron — This book changed my life, full stop. Read it first; thank me later!
The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron — for the sensitives out there who want to learn more about high sensitivity levels and/or determining your internal processing speed.
The Read podcast, particularly the Crissle’s Couch segments — This show has come a long way from keeping up with the ratchetry of black celebrity gossip (which I LOVE!). Now @crissles and @KidFury also drop gems about mental health care amidst the black joy. The Crissle’s Couch segment doesn’t show up in every episode, so check out the episode “Leg Soap” (May 16, 2019) for a starter sesh.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson — please don’t be thrown off by the title! Although this book focuses on the child-parent relationship, I found it extremely helpful for recognizing emotional immaturity in people everywhere.
Buzzfeed starter guide to beginning therapy for the first time — oldie but goodie by Heben Nigatu.