On Contentment

contentment:
a state of happiness and satisfaction; quality or state of being content.

I consider contentment a spiritual discipline. In some places in my life, I make a conscious effort to be happy with what I already have. I tend not to enjoy shopping and so make active efforts to resist marketing pushes that explicitly play to my self-control levels to convince me to buy things I don’t need. I mute and skip over targeted ads. I embrace many principles of minimalism and have put effort into understanding clearly what brings me joy — as well as what doesn’t. But when it comes to contentment, I don’t often make such intentional efforts to resist the pulls to do more. How do I practice contentment when it comes to how much I do?

I have enough
I am enough
I do enough

These three powerful affirmations speak to the core of most messages we receive about our actions, our possessions, and our being. Between these three, I struggle most with “I do enough.” I appreciate what I have, and I love who I am even as I work on accepting my flaws. But I just don’t think there’s ever a day where I feel content with having done enough. The pressures of an individualistic, capitalist society are unending, and I worry that my sense of morality is too deeply intertwined with my level of production. I feel bad on days when I don’t do anything. Ergo, I tend not have days where I don’t do anything. I want to be a good person and moral people are always striving to do more. Aren’t they?

I’m beginning a six-week sabbatical from work in just a few days. It’s the closest I have ever come to giving myself dedicated time to do nothing. I feel a lot of anticipatory anxiety, worry about whether I will spend the time “well,” whether this time will feel “useful,” or whether it will feel worth it on the other end. I do know that my musings on contentment will continue through the break. Specifically, I want to practice contentment with my life choices and decisions.

My board this week says “Freedom means free.” I have it up there to consider this: maybe taking a break is okay. Maybe experiencing ease doesn’t have anything to say about my morality. Maybe being content with what I do means pausing to appreciate all that I do, and practicing giving myself a little more credit than I am used to doing. I don’t think that’s synonymous with stagnation or lack of drive. Rest is an underutilized skill in my life, but I have hope that making different choices over my sabbatical will help me develop this muscle. As I approach the halfway point through my year of “Ease,” I want to remind myself that no matter what I do, or don’t do, I am already enough. And always will be.