Reflections on Lent 2020
This is the first year I’m observing the practice of Lent, and it is hard. Earlier this month, I went on a daylong silent retreat in nature, and came away from that restorative time fully resolved to let something go for this season of Lent. Me being me, of course I picked something immensely challenging and frustrating for my first Lent: namely, letting go of my need for certainty and control all the time.
As I’m sure you can imagine, it’s not going too well.
This Lent was always going to be a challenge for me, even before the madness of the country’s response to COVID-19 set in. I’m somebody who prides myself on being very proactive and focused. I’m a planner; let’s just say me and Google calendar spend a lot of time together. I used to joke and say that I could tell you where I’d be 6 months from now, and insofar as plans went, that was pretty much the truth. As someone who travels a lot, I like to know where I’m going, when I’m going to leave, AND how I’m going to get there.
As many people are currently experiencing, this whole season of uncertainty has sent shock waves through my life. I’m blessed to be healthy and well in the midst of it all, something I absolutely do not take for granted. I am also feeling increasingly aware of just how much I rely on making plans for the future and having a sense of control over my life in order to maintain my equilibrium and stability. If I was vaguely aware of it before commencing Lent, this season has only heightened my awareness of my own tendency.
Right now, I’m feeling grounded in two senses. First, I’m feeling grounded as in I’m stuck in an airport, and yeah… this flight’s not taking off anywhere near the scheduled time. The trips I thought I would be making this year likely will not come to pass. All of the plans I thought I had for this year are likely falling by the wayside, and none of them will happen when I thought they would. At the same time, I’m feeling grounded in the sense of rootedness in myself. In the midst of all of my plans changing and shifting, I am still able — with intentional effort — to move through my daily practices of self-care. So much of what I thought was in my control isn’t, but that doesn’t mean that everything is out of my control either. Managing anxiety daily has given me some invaluable items in my toolkit that I’ve needed to dust off in this season. More than ever, it has become important to me to stay present in the moment and not think too far into the future, a future that never was in my control but sure felt like it was.
This season is deepening my faith by giving me ample opportunities to practice trust. I’m not being especially productive, and my next big creative project may not emerge from this season, but I am spending time mindfully showing up in the world and all of my relationships as my full self. It’s okay if it takes a bit more energy than usual for me to maintain what structures of my life that I can. I’m okay with moving at a slower pace to ensure that I am first well within myself, that my heart is doing okay, and that I’m letting go of things that truly don’t matter anyway.
It’ll continue to be an adjustment, but I have faith that this time of disconnection will be also become a season of learning for me. Right now, though, as I practice letting go of control and moving through life one day at a time, I feel confident that what is already heading my way will continue to rise to meet me.